


Landslide

by realta_reatha



Category: Sons of Anarchy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Brotherly Love, Chibs is a gift, Chibs-centric, Club dynamics, Doubt, Feels, Gen, Past4x08, Realization, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-04
Updated: 2018-05-04
Packaged: 2019-05-02 06:02:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14538240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/realta_reatha/pseuds/realta_reatha
Summary: The branch didn't snap.A member comes to a realisation.





	Landslide

_//////.....denn du weißt ich will kein Engel sein...*///////_

"What the hell happened?" Jax was barely through the doors, voice already booming through the rather quiet hallway at St. Thomas where Chibs and Tig were already waiting for him. 

"There was an...incident." the latter answered in a slightly hushed tone.

"What kind of incident?" Jax demanded.

Tig and Chibs exchanged a look "We found Juice on Oswald's land," Chibs began but had to pause before carrying on "he tried to kill himself."

Jax froze "What!?"

_Chibs knelt in the dirt, right next to Juices pale, unmoving frame. Tig and him had managed to untangle that goddam chain from the tree, called an ambulance and now they waited. He'd dealt with injurys before, that's what comes with being a bloody medic, but never before had he witnessed a suicide attempt. Fingers trembling on Juices wrist to keep track of his pulse he felt his composure slip from his grasp but fought to keep hold of it, this was not the time. Tig stood behind him, stone-faced and seemingly glad to keep his distance but even then he was unable to hide his shock. Chibs noticed the gaps between Juices hort, ragged breaths were getting longer and longer, he could almost feel life leaving the body with each passing minute but he was adamant not to let that happen. The words falling from his lips were nonsense, he knew it, but he didn't have any fucks left to give "That's it boy, don't stop...you know what they say, killin' yourself and you won't got to heaven, I'd want you to go to heaven boy so keep goin' alright..."_

Chibs had to blink hard a couple of times to chase the fresh memories from his mind.

"How the fuck could that happen?" Jax was barely concealing his anger.

Tig was just about to answer when a nurse came to a halt beside them and called "Filip Telford?"

"Yes!"

"Hi," she smiled "you're listed as next of kin of  Juan Carlos Ortiz, is that correct?"

"I do belive it is." he answered, unsure if he'd known about this and had simply forgotten it or not.

"Doctor's all done, you may go see him if you like."

Chibs briefly looked at his brothers. Jax looked at him with an unreadable mix of anger and worry bit Tig simpy nodded and said "Go."

He followed the nurse round a couple of corners before she cae to a halt by a window

"I do belive you know what happened?" she asked 

"Yes." he was quick to answerbut his gaze fell trough the open blinds into the room. He couldn't make out much between all the white, those ridiculous tattoos, a face mostly covered by an oxygen mask and a cervical collar holding everything in place. The unspoken question hung between them.

"Doctor says he is going to make a full recovery. We've just given him some sedatives so he can get some rest." she smiled again.

Chibs released a breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding "Thank you."

"You're welcome," she reached into her pocket "we had to mostly cut his cothes but I've got his personal belongings with me, is it alright for you to take them?"

"Sure." 

She handed him Juices keys, phone, wallet and a small, neatly folded piece of paper which he only noticed when he was about to put the other things into his pocket. Although he didn't know why, it attracted his attention.

 

_//////.....such is a lonely day......and its mine....the most loneliest day of my life.....**/////_

 

Up on the roof of the clubhouse the world for once looked peaceful. Chibs sat down by the edge facing away from TM, away from shit going down and reached into his pocket.

He eyed the list of meds and their purposes and let out a heavy sigh.  _Anxiety,Depression,OCD,Hypersensitivity..._ Chibs sighed again and ran a nervous hand through his hair. Some fucked up shite that was.

Granted, Juice had seemed at bit off to him from time to time but never would he have guessed things running that deep. He had seen men break in the IRA, by blood and loss, drowning their grief and hurt in whiskey as  if the liquor could burn away the memories of battles past. Christ, he had experienced it himself after his first kill, but life had to go on, the others had expected him to soldier on so he did. Put on a brave face until the facade crumbled a little less each day until it almost felt natural. The Sons had seemed so different to him, emotions were not frowned upon, each and every member had blood on their hands and they all had their emotional bagagge to carry. 

Finding Jucie in the woods, hanging from a tree like a bloody ragdoll had fractured his picture of the club. They worked together, rode together, faught side by side but they didn't know each other better than colleagues at work, nothing personal ever made an appearance and Chibs couldn't help but feel his part of the guilt hitting something deep inside him. 

He looked again at the piece of paper in his hands, cigarette dangling from his lips when he heard someone approaching on the roof. 

"What's this?" Jax asked and flopped down next to Chibs. 

The latter wordlessly passed him the worn piece of paper before lighting a cigarette. The smoke curled through the silence between them.

"Whose is this?" he asked finally.

"Juice's."

Jax eyebrows met his hairline "Fuck." he fished a cigarette from the pocket of his cut "Did you know about this?"

Chibs slowly shook his head, gaze fixed on somthing in the distance.

"You know what the rules say about this," Jax carried on "suicide is not tolerated."

"D'you think that's fair?"

"Rules are not about what's fair."he returned without leaving any room for an argument

"That's shite Jacky and you know it," Chibs wasn't one to give up easily.

"Bro..."

"No! That's exactly what I mean," he cut him off "all that stuff about being brothers and the club is your family, I get it, but in a family you stick together when it gets hard you don't just leave 'em."he got up and looked down at Jax "You gonna have a vote about this?"

"I'll have to."

"Keep in mind pres, we all have problems. Bet there's no one in chapel who hasn't thought about it once."

"Thinking about it is not doing it."

"I know."  he had to admit  "You know you're not gonna get an unanimous vote as long as I'm here right?"

Jax nodded and looked at him, piercing him with his gaze "You sure you didn't know anything about this?"

"Somethin' need to change here Jacky," he said, not answering the question directly "what's the point of being brothers if one of us being so deep in the shit that suicide looks like the only option goes unnoticed? We should all be ashamed that it came this far. We were bliind pres, all of us." 

Chibs stubbed out his cigarette with his boot und walked towards the stairs, leaving Jax alone with his thoughts. 

 

_/////.....better leave your lights on.....'cause there's a monster......living under my bed....whispering in my ear//////***_

 

"Ye can consider yourself lucky that bloddy chain didn't brake your neck ye daft muppet!"

"Probably."

Chibs carded a nervous hand through his hair and flopped down on the chair next to the bed"Oh Juicyboy what's goin' on in that head of yours."

Juice stared back at him, lips set in a tight line and at loss of words, He could almost physically feel shame blossoming inside him like the ugly bruised underneath the collar that kept his neck still. 

"They gave me you lil' list you know."

The muscles in Juices jaw clenched and he briefly closes his eyes, breaking the eye contact to look past Chibs at the wall. The following silence was thick and  choking.

"Didn't plan on mentioning that, were you." it was more of a statement than a question.

"It worked." his voice was small and scratchy.

"Until it didn't." he hadn't meant to sound harsh, but in the end he did.       

"Yeah."

"You need help Juicy. You know that, don't you."

"What about the club? They're gonna vote me out, won't they" the change of subject came sudden but not unexpected.

"Not as long as I'm at that table." he answered in a firm voice.

For the first time in months Chibs could make out a spark of hope in the other mans eyes "Really?"

"Its about fuckin' time things start changing."

**Author's Note:**

> Quotes:  
> *Rammstein-Engel (translation: you know I don't want to be an angel)  
> **System of a Down-Lonely Day  
> ***Santana feat. Everlast-Put Your Lights on


End file.
